I had this big a-ha moment while at work on Saturday. I received an email from a woman who knows I’ve been struggling more than usual this winter with the blah’s and my nutrition and generally feeling crummy. (We met about 7 years ago when I was really struggling with anxiety and self-loathing/confidence issues, so I can’t blame her for thinking of me.)
It was an email announcing a $350 per person mental health workshop. I scanned through the email quickly, and felt a little put out that the Universe had sent me this message. I felt this major SHIFT happen inside.
Fuck NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have been here already and I do NOT need to go backwards again. I have processed and done that work and KNOW DEEP DOWN, INTUITIVELY and THROUGH EXPERIENCE what I need to do to stay well and be happy and I AM CHOOSING not to do it.
For whatever lame excuse:
its too hard
i don’t feel like it
i’d rather be in bed
my blankets are so warm
my husband loves me however I am
because it is WORK.
I was absolutely overcome by the recognition that I AM CHOOSING this. I am CHOOSING the easy road – which is really the fucking HARD road.
I was reminded through that email of my Hoffman experience. I was reminded that on a subconscious level I am RE-living family patterns of worry, anxiety and not measuring up. I can allow myself to see nothing as ever quite right and the glass as half full, and complain and feel crummy OR I can RECOMMIT to choosing NOT to live out those patterns (consciously or unconsciously).
The shift was a slap in the face.
A good, hard one.
I decided I was done doing things the easy way, which is really the hard way.
That night, we had dinner with friends and had awesome conversation and completely inappropriate food (cheese fondue with chocolate for dessert) and lots of wine and it was wonderful. And then I started fresh yesterday.
Now, did that make it easier to get up at 5:30, and go out in the cold for bootcamp? Hell no.
And was it good intentions that motivated me to run 10 flights of stairs and do a workout in my office on Sunday? Nuh-uh.
And would it have been faster and easier to pour cereal out of a box than blend a kale, dandelion, celery, apple, flax, coconut oil smoothie. Fo’ sho’.
But do I already FEEEEL better?? Definitely.
Am I thinking clearly? Absolutely.
Do I feel satisfied and content? Yup.
And am I proud of “showing up” for ME? Damn right.
There may still be some kinks to work out along the way, but there was a major shift and I am so grateful for that.