Addiction, Obsession or Self-Exploration?

I’m feeling optimistic and committed. Just started another challenge (last one was fall 2015 and I didn’t finish due to life stuff excuses). This one lasts 56 days through the gym I attend and there are about 100+ people doing it together.

In the day and age of opinions – and because I am an OVERthinker and OVERsharer – and because I am surrounded by women (including 3 daughters) who struggle with food and weight and fat shaming and exercise shaming and body acceptance and body image – I feel a responsibility to be clear and transparent with my health and wellness journey.

It’s difficult to be someone who struggles with body image and weight and feeling ashamed or pressured to be a certain way. And it can be difficult to make peace with who you are as you are. Self-acceptance is a good goal. And it can be difficult to find your way – who am I, how do I want to be, how do I want to live?

Many women never figure it out. Many of us give up trying. Many of us reach peace in our 40s, but many more get there in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s. Our journey, our experiences and our stories are as individual as we are.

Given the experiences and stories of my sisters (all the women I know and love) I am self-conscious of my desires and goals. I am aware that I am a bit of an anomaly in my desire to set fitness goals, eat with purpose and get strong. And there are times I feel ashamed of the drive for these goals. After all, so many women I love appear to struggle with their health, body acceptance and happiness… I often feel guilty for my happiness.


So begins another Challenge. Ketogenic eating will drive the first weeks of the challenge and then the re-introduction of strategic carbs. It’s about fuel quality and treating your body like a treasured performance tool. Maybe not for EVERYONE, but for me, it’s about LOVING myself enough to treat myself, with what I consider to be, excellence. It’s just my perspective.

I am a goal setter. I journal gratitude and prayers and love and dreams and plan for what I’m going to do and see and reach for. I enjoy it. It makes me feel good. Some could argue I am obsessed – or addicted. They don’t understand the desire to push – to aim – to reach.

Here’s the thing. I’ve been an addict and I’ve been obsessed. To things that almost killed me. I’ve used substances and food and people to numb my feelings and run away from the truth and to try to hold shit together all the while tearing my self apart.

I’ve been obsessed when it made me sick and addicted when it endangered my life. 

This is neither of those things.
I am obsessed with appreciating my body. I am addicted to caring for it. I love it’s capacity to hug and make love and lift and stretch and move with grace. I am obsessed with the amazing things it can do and they way I feel inside when I treat it like I love it.
I am addicted to the endorphin rush of exercise. Fresh air, the sun on my shoulders and the breeze in the trees. Sure I can do ALL of these things 20 pounds heavier and I would still love them.
It’s not about weight loss – 20 pounds up or down – it doesn’t matter. I still enjoyed sex and felt sexy in a 20 pound heavier body – my husband adored me the same at 190lbs as he does at 170 –
But I’ve lived in a 20 pound heavier body – eating the way I did, treating myself the way I did – oven pizzas and potato chip weekends, wine coolers and cereal for breakfast – TRUST ME, it’s NOT about the 20 pounds. Like, I was constipated for 25 years until I took grains out of my diet – (the whole grain fibre thing is total bullshit BTW). My bowels, my energy, my periods…. SO GRATEFUL.
It’s about the WAY I FEEL. I will NEVER choose to go back to that way of being.
So what’s with the fat loss – and the muscle up? And the crazy strength training.
I will be 46 in one month and I am fitter and faster and stronger and leaner than I was at 26. Why NOT rewrite my limiting beliefs? Why not see what my body can do?
Why would I buy into the AGE LIMITS of society? Why would I choose to expect decrepitude and inflexibility and soreness and sagginess? THAT WILL COME. I am not delusional. I’ve got laugh lines and age spots and grey hair and I know (God willing) that an embraced wizened cronyism will be mine.
I’m in full on exploration mode. Seeing what I can do. Loving myself through it. Growing in all the ways. Holding on for dear life. Squealing like I’m on a rollercoaster. Saying LOTS of prayers. And setting new goals.

Screen Shot 2016-05-02 at 9.49.07 AM

Last time, I didn’t finish the challenge.
Something feels different this time.


The Goals: my April 29, 2016 Body Analysis scan revealed a current total body fat mass of 26% – 4% is only about 6 pounds (by my calculations).

The 16kg Snatch is a fitness and strength measurement test based on my age, height and weight through StrongFirst.

And the lean muscle increase keeps metabolism high and protects bone density – seeing as how I also don’t believe that I need calcium … 🙂

2 thoughts on “Addiction, Obsession or Self-Exploration?

  1. I hope you go hard and enjoy meeting your goal! I believe in you and that you can do it! And I know it makes you centered and happy to work so hard. I love you, Kimmie! The “worrier pose” wasn’t meant as a jab at you, love. My friend posted it to me and I sent it on to folks I know that are into yoga.

    1. Your kind comments made me cry when I got up this morning. It always feels so good to be loved, and encouraged and believed in. Thanks for always being love.

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